Hello and welcome. My name is Neil Godin and I’m your host here at This Week – a free service that brings you leadership and communication tips, tricks and tutorials every Monday morning – along with a call to action – to put each week’s insight, idea or skill into practice.
This week we introduce a concept that I call ‘The Victim Game’ – a life game that most of us play (unintentionally, of course) when we blame others for our problems.
Here’s an example… The scene is a diesel engine rebuilding plant where I was asked to conduct leadership training and individual coaching.
The challenge: One of the production supervisors – a new team leader on probation in that role – had a serious problem. A member of her team would not comply consistently with safety regulations around wearing protective goggles. “He complained that the goggles limited his peripheral vision and were more dangerous than not wearing any eye protection at all,” the supervisor told me.
Telling him ‘again and again’ was clearly not working
“I’ve told him again and again that not using goggles was not an option…that it’s for his own safety, and it’s both company policy and state law. He is the worst,” she added, “but I’m getting push-back from others as well – and I’m afraid that if I don’t get this handled it could cost me my promotion.”
I cautioned her that blaming her team member could get in the way of solving the actual problem – and told her about a concept that I call ‘The Victim Game.’ When we blame, I explained, we cast the other person in the role of ‘Villain’ – which automatically casts us in the role of ‘Victim.’ (You can’t have one without the other).
That’s a problem because the role of a victim is to suffer – not to solve. In fact, the most a victim can hope for is a ‘Hero’ – someone who will be sympathetic or may even go to bat for them. Meanwhile, the actual problem goes on and on – while the players fight it out over how to get – and how to avoid – compliance.
Nobody’s victim, nobody’s hero
Thankfully, the game is up the moment we decide not to play. When we choose to take responsibility – not for ‘causing’ the problem, but for ‘solving’ it – we immediately free ourselves to engage the other person in collaborative solution-making. Now we’re attacking the problem, not the person. And the other person, in turn, is now free to engage with us instead of being defensive.
Following our chat she asked the team member for his help in brainstorming possible solutions. Within minutes they came up with a plan, based on the brutally simple idea that there must be other goggles out there that would do a better job. Then she approached the shop manager and volunteered to research product alternatives. As it happened their current vendor had an alternative in stock and agreed to switch out the product at no additional cost.
Bottom line: The problem was solved within days. She went on to tackle other issues using the same approach. She quickly earned a reputation as a highly effective problem-solver and initiator, and these successes cemented her promotion. Taking responsibility had set her free.
Your call to action
This week let’s indulge in both consciousness-raising and solution-making. Here are a few thoughts and questions that may be helpful…
- First, pick a problem that repeats itself and involves another person, an issue you’ve been blaming that person for (either verbally or silently)…something, petty or huge, that you’d really like to solve.
- Confront yourself: Have you been blaming instead of solving? Hint: If you’ve been suffering persistent feelings of frustration, resentment and anger, you’ve been blaming rather than solving. The same is true if you keep wishing that the other person would change on their own – which is just another way of trying to avoid conflict (good luck).
- Be realistic about who owns the problem. If it affects your performance or peace of mind, whose problem is it to solve?
- And, of course, now that you’ve thought about it, what’s your plan?
See you next week.