Hello and welcome. Last week I talked at length about how to minimize defensiveness – basically by avoiding criticism and attacking the problem, not the person, when providing corrective feedback. This week let’s look at what can happen when we tell someone, again and again, to do something and they just don’t do it.
For example… Have you ever heard someone say, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a hundred times?” Of course. But let’s hit replay and listen again, carefully…
“If I’ve told you once…I’ve told you a hundred times…”
Think about it… What you are actually hearing is a fully grown adult – in a position of responsibility and authority – admitting – out loud and publicly – that after many futile tries, they haven’t been able to tell the other person even once in a way that worked. In other words, they’re admitting they have failed, miserably, in their attempt to communicate and to lead. And now they’re likely to blame the victim of their tirade for being defensive, and failing to do as they’ve been told. Meanwhile, the problem itself goes untouched, and goes on to repeat itself, again and again. Ouch!
Now, this topic may seem irrelevant to you, because, of course, you and I would never, ever say anything like this to our team members (or our kids) – would we? Hmm.
Whether it’s done in anger (like the blameful boss in our example), or gently (“Pat, we’ve been over this before…”) almost all of us do it (unintentionally, of course) in one way or another. I believe this happens simply because many, if not most, of our childhood role models behaved this way and we are simply (and unintentionally) mimicking their behavior.
This Week’s Call to Action
If you see even a glimpse of yourself in this picture, here’s an action plan for avoiding this self-destructive behavior.
- Observe others. Pay attention when you see and hear others behave this way
- Self-monitor. Watch for situations that could prompt you to say, “If I’ve told you once…” or a variation.
- Catch Your Self In The Act. If you find yourself provoked and beginning to react in this way, stop the action. It may help to repeat our acronym – “CYSITA” – for this little trick.
- Use our mantra: “Stop and breathe. Think and Choose.” Once you have your own attention, deep nasal breathing (or ‘belly breathing’ as it’s often called) is the key to success as it drives oxygen to our ‘thinking brain’ enabling us to maintain or regain control. (Deep nasal breathing can take us from potentially out-of-control, to in-control in a matter of seconds).
- Move into solution-making. Here is a quick four-part formula…
- Apologize for any part you may have played in letting the problem go unsolved until now. (e.g. our old favorite, Drive-by Delegation, perhaps?)
- Ask for their help in finding a solution.
- Brainstorm potential solutions and choose a best way forward.
- Build an action plan and…follow through.
Special note: Resist the temptation to tell people not to take this or any other form of criticism personally. The truth is that we all take criticism personally because it ‘is’ personal.
See you next week
Neil
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