1. Reaction Management: ‘The One-Second Skill That Changes Everything’

Hello, and welcome. My name is Neil Godin and I’m your host here at This Week – a complimentary service that brings you leadership and communication tips, tricks and tutorials every Monday – along with a challenge – to put each week’s call to action into practice. The content of the program is drawn mainly from my 40+ years as a business development and leadership trainer (now retired). This lengthy inaugural post is focused on a practice that I call reaction management. This is the foundation skill that we build on as we go through the rest of the program. Here we go.

In this week’s post, we explore the ‘big idea’ behind the entire series:

The idea that drives our program is my belief that there’s a huge missing piece in the puzzle of human development. Advanced in so many other ways we have yet to develop the latent ability to manage our fight-or-flight reactions when provoked and when mistakes are made. As you know fight-flight is the hard-wired survival mechanism that kept us alive in prehistoric times – when we were routinely chased by wild animals and had to react instantly. Today, we rarely see saber-tooth tigers on the sidewalks of your town or mine, but most of us still react in the same biological ways when someone throws a cheap shot our way, or makes a ‘stupid’ mistake at work. The skill of reaction management fills in that missing puzzle piece, and enables us to maintain our self-control in the heat of the moment.

Reaction management: easy to describe and grasp – difficult to practice

My purpose in publishing this series is to share what I’ve learned – and continue to learn – about reaction management – a skill that’s easy to describe but very difficult to practice – and a range of topics related to it. I want to emphasize that while the skill of reaction management is naturally well developed in a fortunate few – and, fortunately, while we all have the capacity to develop this ability – most of us really have to work at it.

Reaction management in less than a second?

The reaction management procedure is straightforward. When triggered the idea is to ‘Catch Your Self In The Act’ of reacting (‘CYSITA’ is our mantra for this practice) and train yourself to interrupt and over-ride that initial knee-jerk reaction. Then you quickly begin deep nasal breathing, which drives oxygen to the brain, enabling you to think clearly – which in turn enables you to generate options and consciously choose your response.

Taking responsibility sets us free

Our mantra for reaction management is ‘Stop and Breathe. Think and Choose.’ ‘Stop and Breathe. Think and Choose.’ The key is to stop the action when we feel the first hint of a negative reaction coming on. Just silently saying the word ‘Stop’ – in less than a second – enables us to keep our calm in the heat of the moment.

When it comes to leadership under fire developing this habit changes everything. It gives us time to think – to consider our objectives and options – and respond consciously and with purpose. Perhaps most important it creates space for us to consider our own role and responsibility for leading – for solution-making – rather than fault-finding, blaming and complaining – so we can get our team back in the performance zone as quickly as possible. In this sense, taking responsibility literally sets us free.

Deep nasal breathing is an essential skill

Described by psychologists as ‘The Relaxation Response’ deep nasal breathing is vital because it’s the antidote to the adrenaline, cortisol and other powerful chemicals released during the beginning of a Fight/Flight response. Deep nasal breathing pumps oxygen to our ‘thinking brain’ (known in science as our prefrontal cortex). This restores the oxygen supply to the brain that was hijacked during our initial knee-jerk reaction and was used to feed the muscles of the upper and lower body in preparation for fight or flight.

Reaction management enables us to use other vital skills

Reaction management forms the foundation of our program because it’s a gateway skill – a practice that enables us to use other vital skills – such as active listening, mindfulness practices, and deep nasal breathing – when we’re triggered. For example, we may know very well that we need to practice deep nasal breathing in fight or flight situations – and we may know very well how to do so – but we can’t use this knowledge in the heat of the moment unless we’re able to catch ourselves reacting and stop the action – giving ourselves time to think and to choose our response consciously.

We can’t eliminate the fight/flight reaction, but we can manage our response.

The fight-flight instinct can’t be eliminated – it’s our human survival system and it’s wired (hard) to protect us when we’re in real danger. Our goal is to restrict its use to situations where there is a genuine threat to our safety. We’re just trying to delay our response by a second or two, to give ourselves time to think.

Reaction Management is a ‘multi-purpose’ skill

In addition to helping us maintain our composure (and our agency) when under stress, reaction management can also help us combat distractions; control negative self-talk; break old habits; start new ones – and reduce any other behavior that wastes our time and energy. (The key to success is to watch for opportunities to intervene; catch ourselves in the act; say and repeat the word ‘Stop,’ and take a couple of deep nasal breaths).

A tow truck operator used a stop sign to get his own attention (not recommended)

One of my clients, years ago, was a towing company where I conducted a leadership training program. On one of my visits a tall, muscular operator took me aside and said, “This reaction management stuff really works.” He said that he’d been feuding with his teenage son for weeks over the condition of his room. “It was a fire hazard, seriously,” he said. “And I’d been warning and threatening him – even told him I was going to go in while he’s in school and take all his stuff and burn it. But he knew I’d never do it, and he just mocked me.”

“But now it’s actually solved,” he said. “Before I talked to him again, I yanked a stop sign out of the ground – mentally – and smacked my self on the side of the head with it – then I said we’ve gotta talk…and it worked. We sat down and I told him I was still dead serious but I wanted to listen for a change, and see what’s happening from his point of view – and see if we could find a way that works for both us. This felt a bit weird to both of us, but I shut up, and he opened up, and we came up with a solution that’s worked for three weeks in a row.”

“Basically, I had been ordering him to clean up on Saturday mornings before hockey and he told me that was the worst time because everybody is totally focused on today’s practice and the next game. “Saturday is hockey day,” he said. “So we settled on a day and time that would work – and consequences for not following through. This time the consequences weren’t empty threats, they were meaningful cuts to his allowance that we both agreed would be fair. Now we talk like human beings again, and I’ve got my kid back.”

Why do I describe reaction management as an essential skill for leaders?

Without the ability to manage our reactions we may simply blame the other person – and admonish them to pay greater attention, and other counter-productive responses when a mistake is made, rather than consulting them, and collaborating with them, to determine the actual cause of the problem, and get it solved. This consultative, collaborative approach is the key to building engagement among team members. In turn, engagement builds the desire to work enthusiastically with us, while it also tends to reduce absenteeism and staff turnover. Most important our collaborative approach enables us to fully deliver on the results demanded of us – instead of getting bogged down with problems that old-fashioned top-down, reactive management doesn’t solve.

‘Drive-by Delegation:’ What ‘boss behavior’ can look like.

To demonstrate the disconnect that can occur due to this atmosphere, I used the example of what I call ‘Drive-By Delegation.’

“You and I would never do this,” I told audiences and trainees (with tongue in cheek), “but believe it or not, a lot of managers practice what I call ‘Drive-by Delegation.’ They leave vague, skimpy instructions – then, when they discover that the delegation failed, they blame the delegate – driving greater and greater distance between them – while doing little or nothing to prevent the same failures in future. Can you believe it?” While I pretended to laugh the participants groaned. (It’s amazing what you can away with – as long as you sweeten it with humor).

The most common response from participants? “Omigod, that’s me!” (This was the ‘Aha’ moment I was after…the flash of insight that sets the stage for real change).

With tongue still in cheek I followed with more examples of what ‘other’ leaders do – unconsciously and unintentionally of course – that is utterly destructive to engagement, teamwork and performance…

- - They tend to react in anger and blame when mistakes are made – shutting the door to collaborative problem solving.
  - They tend to talk ‘about’ instead of ‘to’ the other person when they have a problem with someone.
  - They say ineffective things like, “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a dozen times” – instead of taking responsibility for ineffective coaching and delegation, and going after the actual problem. (There is an old saying in education that goes, “If the student hasn’t learned, the teacher hasn’t taught.” Food for thought?” I asked).
  - They tend to be furious instead of curious when mistakes are made. Furiosity (is that a word?) shuts the door to problem solving. Curiosity opens it wide. If curious we’re likely to explore instead of blame; likely to consult the team member instead of dictating a solution. This one bit of mental trickery can immediately shift us into engagement and collaboration mode – which affects all of our interactions – including things like Drive-by Delegation. Our little mantra for this piece: “Am I furious – or am I curious?” This restores or reinforces our agency – our power to solve problems, and get things done right the first time.

Take a moment to do your own mental survey – do you see yourself in any, some or most of these ineffective behaviors, at least occasionally? The challenge here is self-confrontation – being brutally honest with our selves – and taking action to ‘Stop’ that behavior.

Building engagement is key because it ensures we achieve our performance goals

Heightened engagement is the immediate reward when we start to practice behaviors that are antidotes to the toxic practices mentioned above. That reward leads us to our ultimate success as leaders in the workplace – an enhanced ability to deliver fully on the results demanded of us.

Engagement stats tell a dismal story

There’s a problem with engagement. In its latest annual survey of almost two hundred thousand North American workers the Gallup organization found that only 23% are engaged at work. The majority – roughly 62% – are simply ‘putting in time’ or (‘quiet quitting,’ as it’s known these days), while the remaining 15% are “actively disengaged,” meaning they tend to be miserable at work, and do all they can to undermine us as leaders, and the company as a whole. They have ‘fired the boss,’ so to speak, but stayed on the payroll. They don’t notice when equipment is failing. They start rumors. They mock the boss. They ‘forget’ instructions and procedures. They try to influence co-workers negatively. And, of course, they make it difficult for us to deliver the results demanded of us. Gallup also finds that just over 50% of workers who quit, do so because of a poor relationship with the boss. Ouch. (And Ouch again if you see your team, company or organization in this picture). But there is a bright side: Your own stats on engagement can start to improve immediately (if they need to) if you adopt a more consultative, collaborative approach when work is planned and problems need to be solved.

Here’s another example of reaction management in action…

Say you’re in a meeting or discussion… You enthusiastically share what you think is a really good idea. But someone turns to a neighbor and does an eye roll. How do you feel? Insulted? Slighted? Embarrassed? Hurt? Betrayed? Angry? All of the above? Have you been in a situation like this? Do you remember any of the anger symptoms you experienced: Tensing, flushing, perspiring, stomach knotting, rapid shallow breathing, trembling? Again, unless you’re one of those lucky few who seem genetically predisposed to remain calm and clear-headed, this is where reaction management can really help.

Could an eye roll lead to warfare?

Our eye roll example may seem petty but the consequences of something so simple can be horrific. For example, a barely visible eye roll during peace talks between two countries at war could easily be interpreted as an insult or deception. Though such assumptions are rarely questioned, this could bring an abrupt end to negotiations – and send the troops back into life and death battle. Over what? They may never know.

What can we learn from Navy SEALs?

There is ample evidence that these tactics work. For many years stress monitoring and reaction management techniques have been used by Navy SEALs, SWAT teams, elite athletes, air traffic controllers, emergency room medical staff, and first responders in all fields. In particular, Navy SEALs are noted for training members in a nasal breathing technique they call ‘Tactical Breathing’ that helps them remain calm when in action – and can help us do the same. Their daily drill can be practiced anywhere at any time:

Inhale: Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose for a count of four.
Hold: Hold your breath for a count of four.
Exhale: Slowly exhale through your mouth for a count of four.
Hold: Hold the breath out for a count of four.
Repeat: Repeat this cycle several times.

Reaction management isn’t new

In Eastern spiritual practice, exercises as simple as repeating the word ‘breathe’ while under stress, have helped practitioners manage their reactions for thousands of years. All we’re doing is adopting reaction management as a central practice in effective leadership. On a personal note, reaction management has also been tested – time and time again – in the trial by fire of my business turnaround work with companies facing bankruptcy. In these crisis situations people had to learn to work together as never before – and everything we did – including interpersonal skills coaching – had to work – in real life, with real people, in the real world – right now. (It was scary but exciting work). The good news: driven by existential crisis the great majority of these clients achieved a successful turnaround.

This Week’s Call to Action

This week I encourage you to take reaction management for a spin using these activities:

One: Watch, listen and reflect as others deal with aggravations and provocations – at work, at home, in traffic and out there in the world. This is a consciousness-raising exercise. Do you see and hear opportunities for reaction management? Can you see yourself reacting in similar non-productive ways? Can you imagine yourself stopping the action; deep-breathing, thinking and choosing – instead of just reacting?

Two: Look for and act on opportunities to practice the skill. Whenever you feel irritated, annoyed or provoked (for example, when you’re honked at in traffic, or stuck in a line-up, or hit with a cheap shot or insult at work) – any situation where just reacting would be a waste of your time and energy, and could lead to unnecessary, destructive conflict.

Three: Practice using our mantra, “Stop and Breathe. Think and Choose.” “Stop and Breathe. Think and Choose” with special emphasis on “Stop.”

Thoughts to Consider:

When given a brief overview like the above many participants in my leadership training courses responded by questioning whether this skill is actually needed. “Isn’t this just common sense?” was the single most frequent question I heard. My response (with a smile)… “If common sense was common practice, I’d be out of work.” I urged them, and now you, to suspend judgment. Allow yourself to be open to seeing and hearing how you and others react when feeling provoked – threatened, attacked, agitated, disgusted, disappointed or alarmed.
Concentrate on the small things that aggravate or provoke you. They give you lots of opportunities to practice, and to experience success, because they are easiest to deal with and happen frequently.
Frequency is a key to success in forming this new habit. The more we feel ourselves reacting, and the more we step in to stop the action – the more we become the true adult in the room. The more we speak and act for ourselves – rather than allowing our selves to be hijacked by a loose cannon alter ego who happily jumps in to represent us – without being invited to do so. (You know exactly what I mean if you have ever said something in the heat of the moment that you really wish you hadn’t said.)
Be aware that the hardest part of this practice is training ourselves to ‘Stop’ when we’re triggered. At first, if you’re like most people, you will find yourself mentally saying ‘Stop’ when you’ve already erupted. When this happens don’t be surprised. For most of us remembering this critical first step is the greatest challenge in learning the skill. (BTW, when we’re a little late catching ourselves our mantras are, ‘Better late than never’ and ‘It’s never too late.’)

See you next week.

Neil

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This week is a free coaching service that brings you leadership and communication tips, tricks and tutorials every week – along with a call to action: to put each week’s insight, idea or skill into practice. This program took shape as I began to wrap up my 45-year career as a business development and leadership trainer, speaker and writer. I needed a ‘culmination project’ – a way to share many of the unique insights and skills developed with my clients over the years – particularly in the trial-by-fire of my business turnaround work with companies facing bankruptcy – where people had to learn to work together as never before. I invite you to subscribe and receive an email notice when each new article lands. Subscription is free of charge.

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