This week we take a deeper dive into how to manage our reactions, and our actions, when we’re angry or stressed in some way. This takes us deeper into Reaction Management, a critical leadership skill that we introduced in Post #1 of this series.
I stumbled into the concept – and skill – of reaction management more than 40 years ago when I first started doing turnaround work with companies facing bankruptcy. As I repeat often, these crisis situations literally drove innovation. We – my clients and I – had to come up with ways to help them make peace – and keep the peace – so that even arch enemies could work together to forge and implement strategies for their survival. (People in a turnaround situation almost always blame each other for their predicament, so I quickly learned that this is where we had to start; cost cutting and guerrilla marketing, etc. had to come later.)
Easy to describe and grasp, very difficult to do
The reaction management process is straightforward. When provoked or stressed the idea is to ‘Catch Your Self In The Act’ of reacting (CYSITA is our acronym for this part), and train yourself to interrupt and over-ride that initial knee-jerk reaction. Then you quickly begin deep nasal breathing, which drives oxygen to the brain, enabling you to think clearly – which in turn enables you to generate options and consciously choose an effective response. Our mantra for this process is ‘Stop and Breathe. Think and Choose.’ ‘Stop and Breathe. Think and Choose.’ Nothing to it, right? (Hmm. Well, we know we are capable of managing ourselves in this way, because our headline for this post is true – very (very) rarely is the urge to kill followed by the act of murder. But it’s tough for most of us to manage ourselves in the heat of the moment.)
With that fact in mind, I want to open this two-part post by telling you Doug’s story – an extreme success story I’ve been burning to share, because it touches all the bases. Then, in Part Two, I will offer a number of practical tips, tricks and tactics for managing your reactions and actions in situations of all kinds. Here is Doug’s story…
The client: An automotive roadside assistance provider.
The project: I was asked to conduct a full-day workshop with a group of contract tow truck drivers on ‘customer sensitivity.’ I refused (with a smile). They referred to these operators as ‘The muscle shirt guys (and one gal)’ and I suggested that we title our workshop with something more suitable and less ethereal (yes, that’s a word). We settled on ‘Customer Service Training’ and away we went.
The program: We spent the entire day brainstorming and role-playing scenarios where operators needed to manage their road rage reactions – and manage their language and behavior when interacting with customers. For example, a customer could be sitting beside them in the truck, with their car at the bottom of a ravine, and the operator might yell into the phone, “Don’t worry about dragging it up. It’s just an old beater,” referring to their customer’s precious vehicle. Ouch.
Key challenge: Repeated all day, in every way was the question, “How on earth do we get our own attention in these situations so we can be more conscious and sensitive – and stop losing customers in a fiercely competitive market?” A success story from a driver’s personal life offers a dramatic example:
A breathtaking success story:
A couple of months after the workshop I was at a function with an unrelated client when I caught the eye of one of the tow truck drivers, Doug. He made his way through the crowd, and as he approached, he said, “Neil, I’ve gotta tell you that stuff you taught us really works.” He said that he and his teenage son had been at loggerheads for a long time over his son not cleaning his room.
“It was a fire hazard, honestly,” he said. “And I told him again and again, that he’s got to clean it up. He says, “Yeh, yeh, I’ll do it after hockey or whatever, and he never did. I got so mad I felt out of control and it scared me.” Now, he said, the raging is over. “I sat down with him and told him the truth – that I’d run out of rants and I needed his help to figure out how we can get this done, and go back to being friends.”
“He said it would be easy – just stop yelling at him to do it before hockey on Saturdays because that’s when he checks in with his teammates, and people are arranging rides and getting ready.” He added that it was no good for him to say he would do it after hockey either, as that was their time for hanging out.
“Then I asked him when he would do it, realistically. He said he would do it on a weekday, say by Wednesday each week. What if you forget?” I asked him. “He said he would have to take the bus instead of getting a ride to practice. But that was over two months ago and he hasn’t missed yet. It’s unbelievable. He says that doing it regularly makes it faster and easier to do – and he actually likes it being clean. The whole thing was unbelievable.” I agreed. This was far and away the most dramatic result I had ever heard.
My big question: “How did you get your own attention and remain calm enough to have that discussion?”
His reply: “That was pretty easy – I imagined grabbing a stop sign, yanking it out of the ground – and smacking myself on the side of the head with it. And it worked…it was amazing.”
Now I want to emphasize that Doug’s amazing success story – complete with muscle shirts and stop signs – is anything but usual – and I don’t want to suggest that we go around banging our heads to get our own attention.
On the other hand…
See you next week with tips and tricks.
Neil
