Last week I shared the experience of one of our clients who used reaction management to resolve a feud he was having with his teenage son. He said that his son had been flaunting his commands that he clean up his room, which he described (literally, he said) as a fire hazard. “I got so mad that I felt out of control and it scared me,” he said. That moved him, finally, to switch from raging, threatening and dictating, to consulting – and from attacking the person to attacking the problem.
The key, he said, was to get his own attention when he felt rage coming on. To do so he imagined pulling a stop sign from the ground and slapping his head with it – then silently repeating our little reaction management mantra. “Stop and Breathe. Think and Choose.” While you and I might think that such a mental device would be (way) over the top, it was right on the mark for him. And that inspired me to share a variety of tips and techniques that others have used over the years as well.
Hopefully, you manage your reactions very well naturally, as many people do. But perhaps you can glean a tip or two that can help in those moments when you feel yourself slipping. Here we go…
Trust the evidence
I chose the tow truck driver’s story for its dramatic effect – and also to illustrate that real people – in real life – are managing their reactions and keeping their cool in a variety of highly stressful situations every day – powerful evidence that we can do the same.
For example, as I mentioned in Post #1, NavySEALs are trained in deep nasal breathing. So are many first responders, and air traffic controllers, and emergency room doctors and nurses. Reaction and stress management isn’t a theoretical idea, it’s a daily reality for a huge and growing number of people. And it’s an essential skill for effective leaders.
Wear a reminder?
When I first became aware of these dynamics I wore a thick blue elastic band on my wrist (for more than a year) – to remind myself to be alert for situations where I could predict trouble and try to pre-empt it. Many of my clients did the same or something similar.
Tear off those labels
Parents at home and managers at work often label people with descriptors that can lead them into the trap of downplaying or dismissing their positive attributes and behaviors – and can interfere with our goal of rebuilding great relationships. So. Labels have to go. Our tow truck driver said he had labeled his son, ‘lazy,’ ‘sloppy,’ ‘careless,’ ‘disobedient’ – and more. When he removed the labels he said he noticed an immediate change in the way he saw and related to his son. And after two full months of his son’s consistent follow-through it dawned on him that his son wasn’t lazy or sloppy at all – that ‘he’ had been the problem – for dictating (which provoked resistance, resentment and tune-out) instead of consulting and collaborating. He said this realization was a huge ‘Aha’ moment that he will never forget.
Use acronyms.
Our main acronym is ‘Catch Your Self In The Act’ (CYSITA}. Last week’s stop sign story was a stunning demonstration of how effective that little trick can be.
Manage your self-talk.
We humans are hard on ourselves. Imagine another kind of animal thinking, “I shouldn’t have chattered at her like that, now she won’t chatter with me at all. What a fool I am…” No. This kind of self-sabotaging behavior is unique to us humans. The good news: With sustained effort we can teach ourselves to “Catch Our Selves In The Act,” and stop the self-abuse – but as you probably know, it isn’t easy.
Just say “No?”
One of my clients told me she just says “No,” when she feels a negative reaction or thought coming on. She says this silently when in public, or audibly when alone. “Sometimes I have to shout,” she told me.
Use catch phrases.
We also use the mantra, ‘Stop and Breathe. Think and Choose.’ (SB-TC). We used to use a shorter and more user-friendly version – ‘Stop. Think. Choose’ – but in recent years we expanded it to include the word ‘Breathe,’ because that step is critical for success).
Practice deep nasal breathing.
The simplest and most effective breathing exercise we’ve found is Navy SEAL’s ‘Four square breathing:’ Breathe in through the nose for four seconds. Hold for four seconds. Breathe out through pursed lips for four seconds. Hold for four seconds. And repeat.
Practice our 3-P Approach: ‘Predict, Proact, Prevent.’ (An ounce of prevention really is worth a pound of cure).
Hit an imaginary ‘Pause’ or ‘Hold’ button. Use common little devices like these to suspend the action and give yourself time to think.
Train yourself to ‘catch snowflakes.’
One workshop participant said she tries to catch snowflakes – before things snowball out of control – when she’s dealing with a suspected provocation. Her advice: “Sometimes I have to say that I feel awkward asking about something at the snowflake stage, but it’s better than making a negative assumption. Instead of assuming anything, I just ask, and it works.”
Defeat Murphy’s Law.
Stop being surprised when things go sideways. Defeat Murphy’s Law by routinely anticipating trouble and pre-empting it, and coaching others to do the same. (I believe in holding post mortems to learn from what went wrong – but I found it even more helpful to conduct ‘pre-mortems,’ where we anticipate what could go wrong and make contingency plans, and take pre-emptive and preventive action.)
Use stickies as reminders. To this day I post stickies on my bathroom mirror that remind me to CYSITA – Catch Your Self In The Act – through the day ahead.
Prepare to attack the problem not the person. Most important, we want to attack the problem, but not the person, particularly when difficult feedback is involved.
Rehearse your approach. When feedback is involved, I rehearse what I’m going to say – particularly in regard to how I plan to approach the other person safely.
Listen to what you’re about to say before you say it. This helps in a live discussion, and when preparing texts and emails as well. Before you hit send ask yourself how you want the recipient to react to your message – and make sure your words are aligned.
Coach others. There is an old saying that we teach best what we most need to learn (I see myself as a poster boy for that idea. After more than 40 years I still catch myself in the act (CYSITA) of reacting badly – of jumping to a conclusion, rushing to judgment, being sympathetic to one side of a story before seeking out the other side, and so on.) These ideas and practices require continuous repetition and reinforcement, and the most effective way I’ve found to keep honing our skills is to coach our team members in doing the same.
Use the buddy system. If there is someone on your team or in your network who also wants to build these skills consider asking them to partner with you and share experiences and ideas.
When you lose it work on getting it back. I can hear myself saying again and again to clients (and my self), “It’s never too late to go back and start again” when we make an (inevitable) mis-step. Just apologize and start again.
Consider journaling. When things go sideways and we react badly, it can help to write brief ‘incident reports’ of what happened. The simple act of recording details helps lock them in memory.
Do a little homework. If the idea of managing our reactions is new for you, consider doing a little reading. My favorite resource is a book titled, ‘Emotional Intelligence,’ by Daniel Goleman. In the second chapter he relates how Joseph Ledoux, a neuroscientist at New York University, pioneered our new understanding of how the fight or flight system works – and how to work with it. I also recommend his follow-up book titled, ‘Working with Emotional Intelligence.’
Count to ten? Our moms and dads taught us to count to ten before hitting our little brother – but they forgot to tell us what to do while counting to ten. Better late than never?
See you next week.
Neil
Nice Article