“Holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
– Gautama Buddha
Welcome back. This week, let’s dive into the deep dark pool of sludge that I call grudgery, or the habit of holding grudges. Ready? Boots on? Away we go…
First, what Is Grudgery?
Grudgery is lingering resentment toward someone who has hurt or offended us in some way. It develops when (unconsciously and unintentionally) we choose not to try to resolve the issue immediately. Instead, we let it stew. We dwell and ruminate on our injury. We tend to avoid the other person, and, in the worst cases, we think and talk endlessly about how we were wronged – bringing others down as well.
Why It Matters
Obviously, grudgery can have a huge negative impact on our performance as leaders. Holding a grudge against a team member, or someone we report to, can impact every measure of our success.
Grudgery wastes time and energy, damages vital relationships, and can even impact our health. It can also undermine personal responsibility – if we blame the other person for some shortfall in our performance.
Last week I talked about ways to fan the flames of team member engagement – that elusive state where people are enthusiastic about the work they do, as well as who they do it with, and who they do it for. I say ‘elusive’ because engagement can be so difficult to cultivate and maintain, and so easy to lose. Grudgery is a poison that kills engagement on contact. The good news? We can terminate a grudge at any time.
Your call to action
Over the years we (my clients and I) developed effective strategies for dealing with grudgery of all kinds. The result is a simple 7-Step Practice for letting go of these grievances, as follows…
- List your grudges and pick one – any one – whether current or historic, big or small.
- If it’s an old grudge you’re nursing, and the other person is still in your world, ask for a ‘fresh start’ meeting. To ensure a safe opening (free of a combative or defensive response), prepare to apologize for not attempting to resolve the issue sooner – and ask for their help in resolving the issue now. As I frequently say, it’s hard to be combative or defensive when we’re being asked for help.
- Be honest with yourself and the other person. Truth telling can earn empathy. For example, “Pat, I feel awkward about bringing this up – but as you know I’ve been nursing a bit of resentment ever since you shot down my rock climbing idea. Can we grab a coffee and talk about it? I’d really like to tell you why it was so important to me, and I’d like to get this behind us, okay?”
- If a potential grudge threatens, cut it off at the pass. My favorite example is one I’ve used before in this series, because it’s so common and relatable: Say you’re making a presentation to your team and as you introduce an idea you notice someone turn to a neighbour and do an eye-roll. The usual response is to glare at the person, or call them out. Don’t fall for that trap. Don’t let the possibility of a misassumption throw you. Instead, put your initial negative reaction on hold and ask yourself, “Am I furious, or am I curious?” This little re-frame can work immediately to pre-empt angry feelings and prevent a self-harming response – while telling you what they’re actually concerned about.
For example, “Chris, I noticed a little eye roll. Are you concerned that we won’t have the budget?” Don’t be surprised if the response is surprising. They may reply, “No, I love the idea and I think the budget can be tweaked. Sorry if it looked like I was eye-rolling. It must have been the sun in my eyes.” Or, they may say, “I love the idea, but yes, I am concerned about budget.” In that case you now have an opportunity to outline your plan to respond to the budget concern, which is likely shared by others.
- Borrow from the practice of mindfulness. If you suffer the self-inflicted scourge of a persistent grudge borrow a technique from mindfulness. When the grudge resurfaces, practice deep nasal breathing. Take deep but invisible breaths; acknowledge the intrusion, but don’t engage with it. Let the thought pass through as you concentrate on your breathing. Repeat this as often as needed. (Deep nasal breathing activates the ‘relaxation response,’ helping us restore calm, and the ability to think clearly, when we’re under stress.)
- Practice Cognitive Empathy
Cognitive empathy – the ability to imagine a situation from the other person’s point of view – may be the most powerful conflict-dissolving tool we have. Ask yourself if the other person could have meant well, or in the case of a cheap shot, ask yourself if they were just trying to be funny. (When appropriate I think we can be assertive as well – letting them know that the joke hurt, and asking them to refrain from making you a target in future.) - As Nike would say, “Just do it.”
See you next week.
Neil
