As I said in post #1 of this series, I believe there’s a huge missing piece in the puzzle of human development. Advanced in so many other ways, most of us still haven’t learned how to manage our knee-jerk, fight-or-flight reactions when things go wrong or we’re provoked in some way. In my practice we developed a skill that I titled, Reaction Management, and we coached our leadership training clients in how to use it.
When we think of leadership skills we think of emotional intelligence, listening, empathy, communication, conflict resolution, and so on. But none of those skills are reliably available to us when we’re caught in a fight-or-flight reaction. In that sense, Reaction Management isn’t just another skill, it’s a ‘Gateway Skill’ that makes all the others possible.
Continuing on this topic, this week I share a summary of 10 key steps involved in the skill of Reaction Management. Here we go…
- ‘Catch Your Self In The Act’ of reacting (CYSITA). When things go wrong and you feel yourself starting to react, step in mentally and stop the action. Using the acronym ‘CYSITA’ can be helpful. (For many years I’ve kept yellow stickies with the letters CYSITA on my bathroom mirror as a daily reminder).
- Get to know your warning signs. Train yourself, through practice and frequent repetition, to know and recognize signals that you are reacting negatively. Typical signs include scowling, anger, face flushing, rapid shallow breathing, eye-rolling, and so on.
- Use our silent mantra, “Stop. Breathe. Think. Choose.” The idea is to catch yourself in the act of reacting and train yourself to STOP – to interrupt and override that initial knee jerk reaction. Then you quickly begin deep nasal breathing which drives oxygen to the brain, enabling you to think clearly – which in turn enables you to generate options and choose your response consciously. Training yourself to STOP is key to success.
- Use cause and effect thinking. When there’s a potential problem ask yourself, ‘What effect do I want to cause?’ by the way you handle the situation. (Ask the same question before you hit send on a sensitive email).
- Practice ‘No-fault Problem Solving.’ If someone has made an error, assume they had good intention. Focus on learning and collaboration – uncovering together how the mistake could have occurred and how recurrence can be prevented.
- Attack the problem, not the person. This is our mantra in correcting mistakes. Goal: To use solution-making to strengthen, not weaken, relationships. (Try being curious instead of furious).
- Speak ‘to’ the other person, not ‘about’ them. When there is a potential problem with someone resist the tendency to speak to third parties. Instead, deal direct and at the earliest possible stage.
- Hate defensiveness? Don’t attack! Blaming and criticizing – no matter how well intentioned – are very often received as forms of attack – and when attacked it’s human nature to defend, counter-attack or submit – usually in sullen silence. This takes our attention away from solution-making and destroys engagement and teamwork.
- Take responsibility. If we can find even a grain of responsibility when something goes wrong, it can help us avoid wasteful and counter-productive fault-finding and, typically, the anger and blame that goes with it. It’s hard to be defensive and sullen when the boss (or mom or dad) has taken at least a share of responsibility, and is asking for your help to solve the problem. As leaders we are almost always responsible in some way – if not for causing or enabling the problem, then for solving it as expeditiously as possible.
- Consult and collaborate. Even in the heat of the moment, when leaders have to make tough decisions quickly, we can keep people ‘with us’ by consulting and engaging them in problem solving, action-planning and execution – rather than just barking orders – as much as possible.
Food for Thought: Unless we teach ourselves to manage our initial reactions it can be very difficult even for highly trained professionals to access and practice their communication skills. (Perhaps this explains why we joke about the psychologist who has an ultra-rebellious teen of their own).
Neil Godin
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